Tales of Insanity
by onestepback
Summary: A bunch of random moments involving the group. May contain spoilers.
1. Mayhem and Chaos

Tales of Insanity

Chapter 1: Mayhem and Chaos

Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognize here.

* * *

Cless was being chased by an angry horde of spirits and Klarth. It didn't help matters that Chester was taking bets as to who would reach Cless first…

And it certainly didn't help that Arche just placed a hundred gald on Undine.

"A little help here!" Cless cried out desperately.

"If I stop them now, then I lose my bet," pouted Arche.

"Mint, some help here, please?" pleaded Cless.

"No, I don't think Maxwell will reach him," Mint argued to Chester. "However, I would like to

place 20 gald on Efreet though."

Chester looked up from what he was doing. "Why don't you fight them off?" he asked. "Try to take out Undine and Efreet first though, ok?"

Luna managed to blast Cless off a cliff. "Ha! That'll reach you to say that Cingular is better than Sprint!"

Silence.

"What?" Luna asked.

Mint sighed. "Give him a Life Bottle, I guess."

* * *

"Arche, how does it feel to ride a hard, long, wooden broomstick between your legs?" asked Chester.

"What's so odd ab-"She turned to glare at Chester, who smiled back innocently.

SMACK!

Arche walked away in a huff, leaving Chester on the ground.

* * *

"Cless-?"

Cless looked up, startled. "It wasn't me! I didn't steal Dhaos's hair conditioners! I'm innocent, I tell you, innocent!"

"Wait, what? Dhaos uses conditioner! I knew his hair was too flowy to be natural! Give me some!

* * *

[The party goes inside the Temple of Fenrir in Friezkiel to get the Ice Blade

Cress looks around in awe. "Wow... This stained glass is amazing."

An unseen voice speaks up. "Heh heh heh… Welcome, foolish mortals. I've been expecting you." A blue, hairy figure appears.

"You've…You've been expecting us?" Chester looked at the figure in horror. "That sounds so wrong…"

* * *

Klarth was rambling over the benefits of having Summon Spirits in your party as the crew walked to find an inn in Euclid.

"And that's why you must never feed homicidal spirits rotten melon bread," Klarth finished smugly.

Silence.

"So how did you do that?" asked Cless, with a confused look on his face.

Klarth shrugged. "Nobody finished the melon bread Arche made and it seemed like a waste to throw it away."

* * *

[When Arche was sentenced to death for being a half-elf intruder in the Ymir Forest, a pink-haired elf pleads with Brambert to spare Arche's life and to take her life instead.

"Please! Let me speak with that woman again!" Arche pleaded with the elven sentry. "I need to know who she is! _Who is she?_"

"_Yo Mama!_"

* * *

[The party goes to White Birch Forest to see the Unicorn.

"Mint, you can go check out the Unicorn with Arche. Klarth and I will wait out here."

"What, me too?" Arche looked nervous. "I don't think I…"

Klarth leaned over to whisper to Cless. "Were you the one who disqualified Arche or has she just been sleeping around?"

* * *

Arche accidentally killed everybody when she made cake.

"Oh no! Now I have to save the world by myself!" She set off on her broomstick.

The ghosts of Cless, Mint, Klarth, and Chester looked worried. "We are so doomed." They said in unison.

Klarth started to try to chase after Arche. "Wait! Give us a Life Bottle! I'm too young to die!"

Chester looks up. "Don't you mean too old to die? I mean, you are thirty-"

Klarth glares at Chester. "I'm twenty-nine, not thirty.

Chester rolled his eyes. "Close enough."


	2. Insanity

Tales of Insanity

Chapter 2: Insanity

Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize here.

A/N: I have the GBA version of ToP. So names and such things might not be correct.

* * *

Arche was looking thoughtful as she watch Cless use a holy bottle to ward off monsters. "Would drinking a holy bottle cause me to glow?" 

"It probably would…if it didn't kill you first," Klarth answered.

Chester rolled his eyes. "Her own cooking didn't kill her. I doubt a holy bottle would."

"Oh! You would be able to ward off monsters then!" Mint exclaimed.

Chester muttered under his breath, "Arche doesn't need a holy bottle to ward off monsters. Her face can already do that."

Arche glared at Chester. "Really? Then why would monsters still attack us then if my face was so ugly then?"

"Those monsters must be blind."

"Why you! INDIGNATION!"

* * *

"Come on out, Undine! Use water gun! Good! Now, return!" 

"What the heck is wrong with Klarth?" Chester asked Cless, while watching, amused at Klarth's antics.

"I wish I knew…" answered Cless, worried for Klarth's sanity.

"All those spirits talking in his head must have made him snap…" Chester remarked.

"It could have been all of your arguments with Arche too, you know. That would have made anybody snap if they had to listen to you two bickering." Cless pointed out.

"How do you cope with us then?"

Cless smirked. "I'm borderline insane, that's why."

* * *

Klarth was singing…something. "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was. To catch-" 

Cless looked up. "What are you singing, Klarth?"

Klarth looked confused. "…I don't know…"

Silence.

Cless tried again. "What were you doing earlier then?"

"…I don't know…"

More eerie silence.

* * *

"So this unicorn will only meet with a pure, innocent maiden?" Cless asked Mint questioningly. 

Klarth coughed behind him. "What a rapist…" he muttered.

* * *

Chester ran up to Cless and Klarth. "Cless, Cless! I've just received news that basilisks have invaded Olive Village!" he said, panting slightly. 

Cless started fuming. "UGH! I'm tired of playing the hero! I already saved the past, the present, and the future! I'm calling in sick now. Next time, if anyone needs saving, go ask Chester!" He stormed off angrily.

Klarth looked bewildered. "…What did we do?"

"…I don't know, but I'm the hero now!" Chester looked as if he could sing. He quickly ran off to tell Arche the good news and tripped over a tree root.

Klarth sighed. "…Well, it was nice meeting him. I'll go prepare his coffin and maybe his epitaph now. Hmm…what color would he want his coffin in?"

* * *

[Klarth takes out the Ruby Ring and is getting ready to make a pact with Gnome. 

"I beseech you great Earth Spirit. Submit to me, as decreed by the covenant of this ring. My name is Klarth..."

Arche looked amused. "I thought that spirits don't have genders? I also don't think that Gnome is your type and what about poor Mirald? I think Gnome is way too old for you. I would have thought you would have better taste."

Klarth glared at her, but Arche continued rambling. "Also, that has got to be the weirdest declaration of love I have ever heard. I mean 'Submit to me'?" I'll have to say, that's a nice ruby ring though."

* * *

A/N: That's another chapter down. 


	3. Heroics and Headbands

Tales of Insanity

Chapter 3: Headbands and Stupidities

Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize here.

* * *

Why You Should Wear Red Headbands by Cless Alvein

1. With red headbands, you can use it as a bandage and no one will notice how much you're bleeding.

2. If you're in a desert, red headbands can keep the sweat out of your eyes so you can see. Vision is everything.

3. Red headbands can keep the hair out of your eyes. Vision is everything!

4. Red is a nice color that can match with other bright colors.

5. If you use a fiery, red sword, a red headband can help you match it.

6. Red headbands rock!

* * *

Reviews for Why You Should Wear Red Headbands:

Chester: It sucks. Who here besides you, Cless, will have a fiery, red sword? Tying your hair back will keep it from going into your eyes anyways. And reason 6 doesn't count.

Mint: Why would you want to hide how much you are bleeding?

Arche: Will you buy me a red headband for Christmas, Cless? –heart-

Klarth: Personally, I prefer hats.

Suzu: Indeed. Red is a nice color that can match with other bright colors.

* * *

Chester walked outside. "I am a rebel! Nobody can tell me what to do!" he declared.

Arche was trying to get her broomstick loose from a tree. "Chester, can you help me with this?"

"Never!"

Mint waved over to Chester. "Chester, can you go get an apple gel for me please?" she called out.

"Do it yourself!"

Cless managed to cut himself while practicing his sword fighting. "Chester! Help me here! I'm bleeding!"

"No!"

* * *

Chester ran up to Cless's house and found the door locked. "Cless! Cless!" He called out while pounding the door. "The basilisks have taken it upon themselves to get the recipe for Curry at Olive Village! They just attacked the Wonder Chef!"

"I never did like the Wonder Chef," Cless's muffled voice said from the other side of the door. "And where is this Wonderful World of Flavors they speak of?"

"How could you not like the Wonder Chef? After all he's ever done for you! No excuses! Now go save him! Go be a hero!"

"I'm tired of being a hero. I'm calling in sick."

"What did I say about no excuses? And you used up all of your sick days already!"

"I'm calling in dead then."

"_Ugh_!" Chester slapped a hand over his forehead.

* * *

Chester was giving Cless a pep talk. "A hero is what you do best, Cless. So, go save Olive Village!"

"Okay! It's hero time!" Cless ran out and was promptly petrified by a Basilisk.

Arche looked at Mint. "Do we have anything to heal petrifaction?"

Mint sighed. "No…and Chester didn't buy any groceries for us last time, so we have no food…and I ran out of TP already.

Sighing also, Arche turned to Chester. "Chester, you're carrying Cless until we reach Olive Village again."

Chester looked aghast at the idea. "What? Why me?"

Arche jabbed a finger at him. "You were the one who convinced Cless to be a hero again. You didn't buy us any food either! Do you have no honor? No shame?"

Chester rolled his eyes. "Yes, Arche, let your stomach make decisions for you, geez."

* * *

"Muwhahahaha!" Chester cackled. "The pieces are slowly falling into place…" He rubbed his hands together gleefully.

Arche stuck her head into the room where Chester was sitting in. "What are you doing, Chester?"

Chester looked at his nearly completed jigsaw puzzle he was working on. "Umm…"

* * *

"I'm so hungry." Arche moaned as they stopped to make camp.

"All I have is a piece of cheese I found in the Catacombs," Cless answered. He looked in his sack. "Hey! Where's my cheese?"

"I stole your cheese because I was hungry and now I have a stomach-ache."

Cless glared at Chester. "That could have been my stomach-ache!"

Arche started jumping up and down, her hunger forgotten. "Guess what?"

"Do you finally have a friend?" Chester asked.

"No…I mean yes! I mean…" Arche sat down, looking confused.

Cless sighed. "Never mind him. What did you find out?"

Arche brightened. "Did you know that it's impossible to lick your elbows?"

Silence, and then Chester and Cless tried to lick their elbows.

Klarth looked at them for a moment. "…I'm surrounded by morons…" he muttered.

"What am I then, Klarth? Your next-door neighbor?" Mint asked, trying to heal Chester. He had tried to lick his elbow and had just dislocated his arm instead.


End file.
